Eclipse
I love astronomy because it humbles me.
Because I look at a cluster of galaxies and I realize my mind can not comprehend the vastness of the Universe. It is incredibly difficult for me to comprehend the amount of information and matter there is in a nebula, and nebulae are tiny parts of galaxies. Galaxies are also small parts of the Universe. Everything inside those galaxies and in between… all that great unknown… and we are tiny tiny people on the surface of a tiny planet in a tiny star system… and still, with our even tinier minds we are able to marginally grasp all the greatness of this Universe… what could ever be more beautiful?
Enjoy the annular solar eclipse this Saturday, all you lucky people living in the right places of the Earth!
Sweet Dreams are Made of This
For a few nights in a row I’ve been dreaming of I. And it’s not all innocent dreaming either. But they’re vivid and even though I don’t really get what I want/need from him, there’s always like a compromise that I have to make for us to be together, I feel like my sub-conscience is trying to tell me not to give up. That there’s still hope. I mean, either that, or I’m sporting a really huge obsession here.
What’s quite clear is that he’s become a driving force, a motivation factor, much like N. last summer, but somehow stronger and more real.
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Psychosis
So after my divorce, I’ve been going out with H. We had been going out for 10 months already when I found someone better. I had been dreaming of I. for the past 13 years (that’s like half my life).
H. was unemployed. He was kind of negative all the time, never encouraging me but emphasizing my failures. He was always quite vocal about his requirements and I never seemed good enough. He had an unhappy family situation. He never got to graduate college. But he was loyal and witty, and he was a good lover.
I. was brilliant and funny and handsome. PhD graduate with a dream job and a bit shy. I could not want anything more. I could not ask for anything more. Plus, we had some sort of a romantic story cause we had met while I has in the 6th grade.
So I broke it off with H. to be with I. in a long distance relationship. That didn’t quite work out because of some difficulties and I had easily come to terms with it.
But good ol’ H. found somehow I.’s info, and wrote him a long e-mail describing our entire relationship and how I had left him and betrayed him in the worst possible way. How I have high expectations, how much I like to take advantage of opportunities and how materialistic I am. How he had saved me from sleeping around after my divorce and how he was there for me when I needed comfort, and now I was throwing him to the trash.
I was and still am embarrassed. There is no other word. We are not 15 to take petty revenges on each other. As O. said, we have all been dumped in a bad way, but none of us ever went to this extent.
So yeah… Thought I’d share this. Cause that’s how much it frustrates me!
But somehow, this stands to prove that sometimes we may seem to give the people we love a lot of our resources but they never seem to really get it. I never got whatever H. was offering me because he did not know how to properly communicate with me. He was always trying to be subtle, that never works for me. I need things to be expressed in a straight forward way, I know it takes away some of the mystery, but let’s just say I compensate with other things. And I never got what he was offering because he was giving something I did not need. That’s something we should always bear in mind. Cause if your best superpower is baking cookies, you might not wanna marry someone who hates sweets.
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Why Do I Keep Coming Back?
So I’m back home. Each time I come back I have a few weeks of being depressed. I don’t like it here. This country has nothing and this town have nothing more to give me. I do enjoy my job in the sense that I don’t dread coming to work and it gives me a lot of freedom. I do wish to finish my Master’s Degree and apply for a PhD somewhere else. But the sweet small towns of Germany with they incredible charm and ordered way of life seduce me everytime. I did not want to come back! Maybe next time I won’t! And my dear U., you made it all worthwhile!
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Priceless moment
Today, my sister quoted Willy Wonka! It was surreal and priceless! She’s great!
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New Year routine
Yes, my sister an I have a New Year routine. We wake up, have breakfast and head to work. We turn on the tv on Deluxe Music and start cleaning the place and setting it up for the party. We fold napkins, we set up colourfull strings, we arrange tables and chairs, we put candles, start preparing aperitifs and basically have fun all this time.
We have been doing this for a few years.
The new year party is one of my least favourite parties because it’s somehow considered weird not to celebrate it at all, but to me it’s a stupid reason to party. So I’m more than happy to work on this occasion.
Somehow this year it was all different. We went with our routine, the people arrived, the madness started, we had a lot of work to do. And then the fireworks from hell began (which I hate - I do believe they are too freudian to be that mainstream and I just don’t appreciate the noise - and yes, I do belive that if you look up to them, some residue will fall in your eye) so we all drank something together and kissed and went back inside to resume work/party. After only a few remained and we joined in for drinks, I remember looking at the time and thinking ”there is nowhere else I would rather be right now” - which was clearly a surprise, bt for the first time in a few years, it was a fun new year’s eve :)
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All the awkward moments
Well, I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about the year that has past. Not one of my best years. But then my ex husband posted on his blog a summary of his last year (half of which we had spent together) and there was nothing there about me. I mean, I understand we divorced, but we are still close. Still good friends, no hard feelings. So then… wtf?
So after him being the most important man in my life so far, after sharing all that we have shared, after being as close as any two people can be… this is what it comes to: I’m the part of his past that he avoids talking about, I’m the awkward topic of conversation.
I get it, the present is what is important, he has a new girlfriend, I’m happy for them. But I don’t like this pretending that our marriage never happened. Like we don’t alresdy know everything about eachother. Like I don’t know about every annoying or lovely member of his extended family.
Anyway, my dearest L., cheers! Happy new year! May it be the best one yet!
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It Gets Better
Yes it does. But it shouldn’t be because all these celebrities “come out”. The internet is full today with news that Zachary Quinto is gay. The sad thing is that it’s not really news. He’s always been supportive of LGBT rights, and let’s face it, there aren’t many heterosexuals that care to be as supportive. So it was a bit obvious, but those that realised, it didn’t really matter for them. Cause it really does not matter. It does not change who he is. It does not make him a better or a worse actor. It’s just a simple fact about his life.
Instead of focusing our attention on who is and who is not “out of the closet” (and this expression makes us all look like Narnia wanderers) I think it would be better to focus on removing all these labels. Let our dear ones know that their sexuality does not change the fact that we love them. It doesn’t matter. All that matter is the person itself, not who that person fancies.
I wish one day we can all talk about sexual orientation like we talk about food preferences. Nobody has ever picked on me because I love Italian food. It should be the same with my choices regarding partners.
Personally, I do not see myself as bisexual, although I have been called that. I can not say I like men in general, or women in general, because I don’t. I like certain men and certain women and it has nothing to do with their gender. I like them because of who they are, not what they are.
Anyway, kudos Zachary Quinto! What you did will help people and I admire the gesture!
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Does it get better?
So, while we were married, L. and I were dreaming of buying a house in a village close by. We had all these plans and all these ideas, until it all went to hell and we divorced.
A few months ago he bought our dream house. It’s a beautiful place! The area is amazing, the house itself is fantastic. But it’s not my house, yet it is filled with what used to be my stuff. My kitchen table, my plates and my cups, my carpet, my duvet. Except it’s not MY stuff anymore. It’s his. And now he owns a house I do not own and there’s a part of me in that house that he owns and still, I have nothing to do with it.
What’s worse is that I see all this pictures with his extended family having barbecues there and having fun. That was MY family until recently, and now they are not. I am no longer the beloved daughter in law that always had a nice thing to say to anyone, that always remembered birthdays and anniversaries, that always had an interesting topic at hand or a pacient ear to listen.
I do not regret divorcing, I am aware of the problems and the imposibility to surpass them, but there’s still a sense of loss that does not seem to leave me. I used to belong and now I no longer do.
Some days are harder.
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